Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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