I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
