I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
