i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My liver just had a heart attack.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
