u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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