Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I am naked and annoyed.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
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