Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
