I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
