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I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
