I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
