It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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