five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
