i think my tv is drunk
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
40s are totally the cure
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
