Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
that's an acceptable place to lick
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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