Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
