drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
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