I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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