i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
