I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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