if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
