I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
