He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I have already put on my inside pants.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
