Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
