When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
