Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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