I wish my penis had an off switch
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
