Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
