If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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