just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
