My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
