Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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