It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
