My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
