Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
