I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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