Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
