He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
