the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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