What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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