Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
