And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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