Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
