why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
