I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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