I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
