Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
