im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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