I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
