OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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