I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
