Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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