How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
