girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
