Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
