Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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