She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
