Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
