Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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