My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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